Mind games

11 07 2010

Ok, I’m going crazy.  I have to play music or turn the tv on to distract myself because, with silence, my mind is spinning out of control.  I can’t believe I’m going to be walking again!  The realization is sinking in and shaking my core.  I want it here already if only to settle my mind.

Exceeding my expectations in the last couple of weeks (see my previous post about the rapid development of my weak left side) has thrown me for a loop. I’m now almost where I expected my end point to be and I’m just getting started.

I have tried so hard to keep my expectations realistic – to what I believed was possible. Only now possibility has shifted.  I have to redefine my goals and expectations, but I don’t know what they should be.  I’m afraid to set them too high or admit to myself that walking is a real possibility, because failure (I know, it’s not failure – but it is, you know?) would hurt so much.

Some people love the mystery and freedom of not knowing the future.  I want to join them and live in the moment and enjoy myself, but my mind is not letting me.  Being this excited is intense.

Right now I’m transferring that energy into exercise. But I’ve now done two workouts today and I know my muscles will resent it tomorrow and, still, I’m stuck with all of this anxious energy. Although I usually find writing to be therapeutic, writing this is feeding my disquiet.  I need to meditate…or something.




One response

24 08 2011
Philosophy 101 « Swagger

[…] This eventually subsided as routine and everyday life made wheeling normal.  I think my previous posts convey the similar numbness and disbelief factors associated with the “I can’t believe I’m […]

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